So, I’ve totally dropped the ball on keeping up with this blog. It’s been a year and a half since my last post about not wanting to take my meds. Perhaps it is apropos that that was my last post, since it is now a year and a half later, and in a few days I will be celebrating life one year meds free!

Meds free?! you say? But you have a chronic illness, that does’t go away….. That is what I thought until I completely changed my life. Now, what I’m about to say is NOT meant to be medical advice. I’m not trying to tell you to stop your meds. This  just happened to work for me, and I believe that it is possible for other people too… that being said, I’m going to get on with my story.

Let me start by explaining where I was health-wise in the summer of 2009: I was fat. I believe the AMA would even have called me obese.  I was taking a TON of meds (see my last post, linked above), my masto wasn’t under control (I had better days then before I was diagnosed and medicated, but certainly wasn’t living a chronic illness free life), I had acid reflux (better with the barrage of meds but still present), and my body hurt. All the time. Specifically, my lower back and left hip hurt all the time. So much so that walking down the street hurt my back, and I was incapable of falling asleep at night without taking some sort of NASAID (at least 3 200 mg pills if not 4. Some nights I took as many as 8 or 10).

The pain got to the point that I was desperate. I had moments when I could understand why people become drug addicts… anything to stop the pain. So I made an appointment at the pain clinic at the hospital. I got a MRI, x-rays etc. They decided the best course of action was to give me something similar to cortisone shots in my spine and hips. The story of that process is a whole other thing so I’ll leave it this: I got the shots. The pain went away. I went for a 5 mile hike, it was amazing. The shots were supposed to last for 3-6 months. They lasted for 5 weeks.

So, after 5 weeks, when the pain came back, I had a total melt down. I couldn’t go through getting the shots again, especially not to get them every 5 weeks for the rest of my life. And I couldn’t live with the pain anymore. At this point, I was staying with my Dad and Step-mom and she is a chiropractor and Feldenkrais practitioner. She is also a strong believer in alternative medicine, and actually hates western medicine. So we started talking about my alternative options.

The story of everything that has happened between that conversation and where I am now is for another day and probably many posts. But I will leave you with this: today I am meds free, I have NO masto symptoms, I only get acid reflux on a rare occasion and I know what causes it, I am a healthy weight (I never dieted) and I am mostly pain free.

The main things I attribute this miraculous change in circumstance to are: a complete change in lifestyle, a change of diet, and acupuncture. There have been many other alternative healings that have helped pave the way, but those are the main ones. I will explain more in near future posts. Promise

So you have this disease.  That sucks.  You’re going to have it forever?! That really sucks.  Now what do you do?

Do you spend a bunch of time feeling sorry for yourself?  Probably.

I didn’t realize this at the time, but I was going through the Stages of Grief, mourning for the loss of my clean bill of health.  As far as I was concerned, I was never going to be completely healthy, and after:

1. denying I was in pain, and
2. getting angry at my body and about my disease.
3. I bargained and tried to compromise on my physical needs, hoping to regain control over my body.
4. Depression hit me like the titanic hit an iceberg.  I didn’t sink, but there were times I wanted to.
5. Accepting reality became all that was left.

When acceptance is the only option, it’s time to figure out how to move forward. Right?

Trouble is you need the acceptance of your loved ones too.   I went through an extremely hurtful situation with my ex (N).  I have to give myself my weekly Enbrel injection–something I loath doing anyway–and N asked me not to do it in front of him because it wasn’t a very sexy thing… Hmm… No shit!  But what a dick thing to say out loud.

I’m seeing someone new now, and I’ve avoided giving myself injections in front of him.  I’ve hid in the bathroom so he wouldn’t see.  I’ve intentionally changed the day of my injection so he wouldn’t be around.  Last week, I had pushed my injection off a few days, in part to avoid embarrassment, in part because I hate the damn thing.  I was starting to feel the fact that I hadn’t taken it, and broke down and gave myself the shot right in front of him.  He rested a hand on my back while I practiced my yogic breathing–inhaling deeply, exhaling and pushing the injection further in; inhaling, exhaling and pushing more.  When I was done, he pulled me into his arms.

I didn’t know someone could be so accepting of me.  I didn’t realize how much I needed that.  I cried.  I actually cried.

I still haven’t fully accepted it myself, but it’s about time I learn how.